Batman Returns [SNES]

I've never seen the movie, so I didn't really know what kind of stuff to expect when going into this beat-em-up. Of course, if I expected license games to be faithful to their sources, I'd be sorely disappointed over and over again, so that's kinda moot.

But the problem is that that doesn't leave me much else to talk about. The most I can say is that this game is that it is average. Run-of-the-mill. You won't see anything in here you haven't seen before, right down to people on motorcycles trying to run you over. But what really drags this game down is the feel of it. Batman is supposed to be a "ninja beating up a bunch of thugs." (There's more to him than that, of course, but this isn't a blog about comics so we won't get into all that.) However, there is no feel of ninja-ness to this Batman. There's no sense of agility or fluid grace to this impostor. Almost all of his movements are slow and plodding, and, while that may be par for the course for the genre, when Batman is moving like Mike Haggar then something is terribly wrong.

And then there's the fact that sometimes he'll use his cape to fly around like a flying squirrel. What the hell?

Bottom line is, I don't think Konami ever has or ever will match TMNT II-IV.

The Jetsons: Invasion of the Planet Pirates [SNES]

This Taito game has George in the Spacely Sprockets factory with a suction gun that lets him pick up blocks, enemies, and power-ups and attach to walls and ceilings. This could have been a really cool game, or at least a forgettably mediocre one, but there's just something I really, really don't like about it. It's just...I don't know. Hard to put into words. So I'll just say I plain don't like it.

Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo [GBA]

This is a pretty crappy port. The whole thing runs a bit slow. And it's flattened to fit the GBA screen. While the arcade game is fan-fucking-tastic, you should steer clear of this port at all costs. You will get no enjoyment out of this squished, sluggish travesty.

Game-A-Day: Classic - 007: Nightfire [GBA]

God, even more proof that EA is incapable of putting out a good portable game. Also more proof that FPS games shouldn't be on handhelds. Or at least not on something slightly more powerful than an SNES. It's slow. It's clunky. It's ugly. It sounds...okay, I guess. It's based on a franchise I hate. Fuck this game.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Twofer!

Irem Skins Game [SNES]

The title is a lie! It's not about skin, or about people showing skin, but is instead about...golf. And as far as golf games go I guess it's...alright. The swing meter goes super fast though. Hard to get it down.



Castlequest [NES]

A puzzler/platformer that features a short, stocky prince that jumps floatily and has a stubby little dirk. Not...not that great. I really couldn't get that far because of that stupid stiletto.

Texas Hold 'Em Poker [GBA]

Pffft. It's just the card game. And not that great. Not that bad, but not that great. A budget game for a budget price. Wholly forgettable. It doesn't really warrant its own blurb, but I played it, so I guess it gets one.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Lester the Unlikely [SNES]

Okay, I know that the main character is supposed to be nerdier than Urkel and that how he moves is supposed to reflect that, but the controls are either awkward, clumsy, convoluted, or any combination of the three and it's hard to fight through them. Not to mention puzzles range from obscure to simplistic, further detracting from everything.
Furthermore, I had a lot of problems with the sound cutting out. Fuck this game.

Garfield Labyrinth [GB]

Tch, I don't know. I don't like it. A puzzle game featuring Garfield (and then later reprogrammed to star Peter Venkman from The Real Ghostbusters). Break reappearing blocks, lay down bombs to destroy enemies, find keys, collect star things so you can exit the level, don't run out of time. Blah blah blah. I just...I just don't like it. It's lackluster. That's all I can really say about it. Fuck this game.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Bonkers [SNES]

Capcom has made some damn good Disney games. Aladdin, Chip & Dale, Darkwing Duck. This game is not part of the club. It controls horribly, it sounds horrible, it looks...not so great.

...There's nothing else I can really say about it. It's just another bad licensed game. Pretty disappointing, especially when compared to the other said games.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Super Mario RPG [SNES]

God, this game is boring. Boring boring boring. And I can't blame it with my being bored by RPGs as a whole nowadays, as I was bored the first time I played it. It's just another square RPG with the Mario universe feeling tacked on as an afterthought. Who wants to play with a bit of marshmallow fluff when you could have had Toad or that doll when you could have had Luigi (who's never even seen, heard from, or even mentioned)? I'd like to also point out that those characters and their people have never been heard from again (of course, it's probably 'cause Square has the rights to them or something, but humor me). The story just plods along, and the combat system's gimmick (pressing buttons to do better attacks and take less damage) seems wholly unpolished (which is funny as all the pre-rendered characters are all shiny and plastic looking). And then there's the isometric perspective which makes the "platforming" elements a pain in the ass, like Scurge: Hive. Not to mention the environment seems to blend in at times. And who in the hell in the target audience knows about musical theory? Shit.

Basically, Super Mario RPG does everything wrong that Paper Mario does right five years later.

Battle K-Road [ARC]

This is what Street Fighter would be like if it was slow and plodding. And didn't have all the crazy shit that makes it awesome.

Game a day: Classic - Batman - Return of the Joker [NES]

Has okay controls, good graphics, and good music, but this is all brought down by horrible, punishing level design with hidden traps, off-screen enemies, and unavoidable hits. This is all made worse when you compare it to the original NES Batman, which was utterly fantastic. Fuck this game.