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F.E.A.R. [PC]

Okay, so I know this game really isn't that old; about two years old, in fact, but Jesus, I've got to review something. Since I've only been playing this and Team Fortress 2, I guess F.E.A.R. is the one.

First, let me say, "Jesus Christ, F.E.A.R., what the fuck do you want from my computer? Blood?" as it set its graphics levels down to balls. Balls. This is all flying in the face of the System Requirements Lab telling me I'm more than good to go. I'm not really going to let that affect the final score, so I guess this is just more a warning that F.E.A.R. is a mother fucking resource hog.

So the real first thing that actually affects the score is F.E.A.R.'s originality, in that it has none. First of all, you have to pick and choose your weapons as you go along, like Halo (which I hated). At least this time you can carry three here. This does add a bit of strategy and tactics to the game, but since every single weapon is useful in its own right it just makes it feel like the game is teasing me, forcing me to choose between the weapon that's useful now but will get my head blown off if I try to use it later or the one that's useless now but pretty much required later that I know I won't be able to pick up later when I actually need it. "Nah nah nah nahnah, you can't have it," jeers the game as I make my decision and try to content myself with silently cursing the game like a frustrated schoolboy. Honestly, it's like it's asking me if I want to get beaten up now or beaten up later as if I've really got a choice, the great schoolyard twat.

Then there's a slow-mo feature. Oh hi, Max Payne, Bloodrayne, PoP, and about fifty fucking thousand other games! I really won't say anything much about it other than: Played. The Fuck. Out.

And then there's another thing taken from Halo (which I hated and found boring as all get out), mêlée attacks. Swing your gun at people to get instant kills or pull off a couple of kung-fu moves to do the same. But the problem is that their usefulness can best be described as "fuck all" as there are really only two times you should do these kills; one is against an unarmed stealth enemy and the other is when the enemy is caught unawares, as otherwise they'll swing right fucking back. The latter really underlines another of F.E.A.R.'s problems in its whole "stealth" mechanic. Like other games that try to add in stealth elements when they're not based around them, there's really no indication of how sneaky you're being other than the enemy shouting, "There he is!" The only real way to surprise somebody is either to shoot them from afar (and you'll be wanting to do this every time you can, as enemies take more damage when caught unawares) or to know exactly where they are and slow-mo charge them so they can't react to you until you've bashed their brains in.

I did, however, get to take down two enemies with one swing with the latter tactic in a firefight, so it's not wholly without satisfaction or merit.

F.E.A.R. also has, as I'm sure you know, horror elements to it. Every now and then you'll get glimpses of an evil little girl, Alma, running around, usually just popping out to give a cheap scare, sometimes actively trying to kill you or, more successfully, red shirts. There are also a number of creepy psychic visions that serve to break up the monotony of firefights, but, while they certainly serve their purpose, every time they happen I can't help but ask "was that really necessary?" Maybe I'm just jaded, but none of them really evoked any sense of spookiness or anything in me. Of course, I find The Ring and all those other Asian horror remakes to be immensely boring, and almost every one of these Alma sightings and visions just feel like rejected scenes from said films. Although, there was one vision where I was swimming in a pool of blood only to swim down and land in a hospital corridor. While it was a nice touch, it still failed to evoke the feelings it set out to in me.

But this all doesn't mean it doesn't have its good points. For starters, the enemy AI is wicked smart. While in all other games that sport "clever AI" I can quickly learn their responses and make them do what I want them to (Hey there! Thanks for running into my grenade!), I never ever had a feeling of "knowing" F.E.A.R.'s AI. They make great use out of squad tactics and have shown a number of instances of true brilliance such as sneaking up on me when I'd otherwise have them pinned down. The enemy chatter can be pretty entertaining at times too; sometimes they'll yell at each other and it's always delivered so perfectly I can't help but burst out laughing at times. There's also your Team Coordinator (voiced by Jim Ward, better known to me as Chet Ubetcha) who sounds so much like Dan Aykroyd to me (particularly from his performance in Grosse Point Blank) that every one of his lines turns into fucking gold.

Some of the weapons are really cool too. There's the Penetrator, a giant nail gun that shoots armor-piercing bolts. If an enemy is standing near something, often times they will get nailed to it. While this only happens when they're dead and it would have been fun if, as one of my friends said, they became incapacitated, it's still satisfying to see enemies hanging to a wall by their head, especially if they had been giving you a whole mess of trouble. Then there's the particle cannon, a big lumbering thing used as a sniper rifle. This must be some reversed-engineered Martian technology, as each hit disintegrates normal enemies down to their skeletons. Of course, despite it burning away body armor, it doesn't touch their weapons, but, hey, who am I to question?

Despite all its flaws and unoriginality, with all those latter things I still managed to have fun and enjoy myself. Despite the use of the word earlier, it actually never becomes monotonous; there's always something there to break up the action. Basically, I'd compare it to a carnival corn dog. You know it's going to come to you a big greasy mess and probably not be prepared in the most sanitary of conditions most certainly making you sick, but it's still the carnival and it's still a corn dog so you're going to eat it and enjoy it, damn it!

Kirby Star Stacker [GB]

This game is pretty fantastic. A falling block variant, a pair of tiles fall from the top featuring Rick the hamster, Coo the owl, or Kine the fish. When two or more of the same tile match up, they are cleared. Scoring is done by getting a star tile(s) in-between matching tiles, clearing them all. When you get a chain, free star blocks are dropped down into the playing field for a chance for longer chains, with more free star blocks dropping each chain, all adding to your score. There are also special tiles, such as bomb tiles that destroy their row when cleared and bricks that need to be cleared twice. It's simple, it's fun, and it's challenging. All things that add up to a great puzzle game. There's not much else to say. I love it.

Batman Returns [SNES]

I've never seen the movie, so I didn't really know what kind of stuff to expect when going into this beat-em-up. Of course, if I expected license games to be faithful to their sources, I'd be sorely disappointed over and over again, so that's kinda moot.

But the problem is that that doesn't leave me much else to talk about. The most I can say is that this game is that it is average. Run-of-the-mill. You won't see anything in here you haven't seen before, right down to people on motorcycles trying to run you over. But what really drags this game down is the feel of it. Batman is supposed to be a "ninja beating up a bunch of thugs." (There's more to him than that, of course, but this isn't a blog about comics so we won't get into all that.) However, there is no feel of ninja-ness to this Batman. There's no sense of agility or fluid grace to this impostor. Almost all of his movements are slow and plodding, and, while that may be par for the course for the genre, when Batman is moving like Mike Haggar then something is terribly wrong.

And then there's the fact that sometimes he'll use his cape to fly around like a flying squirrel. What the hell?

Bottom line is, I don't think Konami ever has or ever will match TMNT II-IV.

Drill Dozer [GBA]

A platformer from Game Freaks. A girl and her person-sized drill machine goes around...drilling stuff. Blocks, walls, enemies, etc. It's a great game. Not perfect, but then again what is these days. It makes intelligent use of the drilling mechanics and it never becomes gimmicky. It controls really well. What more can I say. It's a lot better than Game Freak's other franchise so it's a shame that it didn't sell well because that just tells Nintendo to keep on milking the Pokemon franchise for all its worth instead of ever again releasing the studio to try and make anything new. Go out and hunt it down.

Metal Storm [NES]

There are many games out there that play with gravity. Strider and Strider 2 have you walking on the ceiling and flinging all over the place at times. Metal Warriors has an item that lets you put yourself up there as well. Even the more recent Prey has you walking on walls and ceilings like so much Fred Astaire. However, usually you have no say in the matter when gravity manipulation is present, or, when you do, the choice isn't that long lived.

And then there's Metal Storm. Metal Storm is an obscure title from Irem featuring a mech going through some base shooting up stuff in a futuristic platformer environment. Stuff we've all seen before. However! There is something that Metal Storm has that sets it apart from all the rest (and I'm sure you've already figured it out from the article's lead-in. I'm not exactly the master of literary deception.); gravity control. At any time you can choose to jump up or down to the ceiling or floor. And many times you have to; to get out of the way of obstacles, to get past spiked surfaces, to open doors that orient themselves accordingly to how you have yourself oriented, and to take care of enemies that you wouldn't be able to head on. You're constantly moving yourself up and down and it never becomes gimmicky. It's both a joy and a challenge, and refreshing to see it used so well. It sets what would otherwise be an average game above all the rest.

T&C Surf Designs [NES]

*vomit*

Fuck you even more, LJN. Fuck you even more. Jesus. Go play California Games instead.

Tetris Attack [GB]

A pretty faithful port. The only only problem is the same as another Gameboy port: slowdown. However, while it does make pulling off some chains harder, it's still serviceable, unlike the aforementioned title. The only real difference is the story mode, which, instead of having two characters both trying to keep their screen clear is more like the Bowser boss in the stage clear mode of the original; the enemy has a bar of HP and will regularly drop garbage blocks on your screen. It's still pretty good and will do for taking the Attack on the go.

Lack of Updates [Meta]

I apologize for the recent grievous lack of posts. I've mostly been playing Orange Box titles lately. I don't know what the other two's excuses are, though. Hopefully you'll be seeing more regular posts here soon.

Our schedule:

Various gameshow games [NES]

Gametek, your games were bad and you hopefully felt bad!

Kickle Cubicle [NES]

A somewhat rarish puzzle game. Control Kickle, who can freeze enemies and create unpassable pillars of ice. The enemies, when frozen, can either be kicked to create more land or just simply shattered. The ones that are to be shattered are out to mess you up by either kicking the frozen blocks of enemies before you can or running you over or shooting you or freezing you or just otherwise menace you. Do all this to collect three dream bags per stage before the time runs out. Yeah, dream bags. Did I mention this game is for kids? Not only does it have bags of dreams, it has princesses and talking fruits, vegetables, cakes, and toys. All the graphics, enemies (except for some spike balls that run around the edges of the field trying to run you and everything else over), sounds, and music are all cutesy. At least for the NES. Even the challenge level is set for kids. While I kinda struggled when I was younger, I can clear the story in about an hour or thereabouts with some minor frustration. Except after you clear the story, you're given a bunch of bonus levels, and let me tell you that the difficulty is ratcheted up on them. The thing is that it's all done very well so it's still enjoyable even if you're past the age where it can offer any real challenge. If you like puzzlers, it's a fun game no matter how old you are.

World In Conflict [PC]

This game is fun. It's an RTS at heart, but it has no resource management or buildings or almost anything from any standard RTS. The game follows the story of the "what-if" scenario that the Cold War went hot. Russia invades the US, hell ensues. The story in the Campaign is actually pretty well told featuring great voice actors. If the story doesn't get you, the graphics certainly will. Of course, that is if your computer can handle it.

Units are not made, resources are not gathered. In the campaign, you get a set number of points to spend on infantry, vehicle, air, or support troops. Once you have used up those points, you cannot get anymore troops until yours are gone. This means you control smaller batallions of units instead of an entire army, but when the conflict to the left and right of you is a rocket barrage and infantry charge in the downtown Seattle area, WIC does a great job of making you feel like you're right in the middle of a real war, so the small unit cap actually works with the game. Destroy enough units to call in special support, such as precision artillery strikes, carpet bombs, or everyone's favorite, the Nuke. Fully destructible environments are reduced to rubble and the atmosphere is tarnished with the smoke of the giant explosion for the rest of the match. Nuking a US city has never been more fun!

For multiplayer, it's even more narrow chaos. You can only choose to play one of the 4 roles the entire match. This means it is a MUST to play as a team. If your entire team chooses helicopters, one opposing support player can take you all out with anti-air. This makes for entirely hectic multiplayer matches, which are played as an "attack/defend the points" gametype. Very, very addicting.

So if your computer can handle it (again, it's really more of a system hog than you'd think) then get this game if you are a fan of RTS's.

Bucky O'Hare [NES]

This game is hard. When people talk about "Nintendo hard," they're talking about this game. Some of it comes from cheapness (most bosses have at least one way to kill you instantly. What the fuck?), some of it comes from bugginess (clipping issues mostly), and some of it comes from genuine challenge. This makes it kind of hard to review, since everything else is good. It looks good, it sounds good, and it controls well (when you're not running into the aforementioned clipping issues and such). You can switch characters as you rescue them (the crew of the titular Bucky's ship have been kidnapped and scattered) and they all have different weapons and abilities, such as clinging on walls and jet packs. With all that, is it a good game? ...Well, obviously, no. When you're constantly hitting brick walls that will make you create all new curse words because you've used up all the others, all enjoyment gets drained. Fuck this game. Even if I can't stop going back to it.

Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six [NES]

Lord, this shit is awful. It looks and sounds awful, and coming out in '92, this is pretty inexcusable. Everybody else who put out games at this time knew how to push the system to its limit in terms of graphics and sound (seven years of developing games on a system can do that). Of course, it was crapped out by LJN, the geniuses behind the NES X-Men, so what can you expect.

And it controls horribly as well. It's freaking Spider-Man. If you're going to include his ability to climb walls, you better make him able to climb anywhere, yet here one can only climb on the outside of buildings. What? And who decided that Peter's main attack should be a jump-kick? A hard to aim jump-kick at that. You can attack with punches too, but they're slow and hard to pull off, so why bother? So is swinging around on webs, which is also hard to aim, so, again, why bother? Fuck this game.

Castlevania: Circle of the Moon [GBA]

I'm telling you right now that I hate this game. I urge most of you to stop right there, as whenever I mention that I find the post-SotN Castlevania's to be crap-tacular I am almost always met with "YOU ARE A SIMPLE-MINDED FOOL." So if you're one of those people, just stop right now. Go take a walk instead, maybe. Or you might even go get some sweet and sour chicken; I always find that enjoyable. The rest of you, go ahead and keep reading if you want.

Of course, this is all acting like I actually have more than four to six readers. Those four to six of you, please ignore my ego stroking. Please? ; 3; Anyway.

To start off, this game doesn't even star a Belmont (in fact, the Belmonts are never even mentioned), which you wouldn't even know unless you actually pay attention to the story (and, really, who's going to?) as he has the same Belmont shuffle. In other words, by all accounts he is a cripple. That is, until you get an item that lets you run around...by double tapping on the D-pad. So to get around anywhere at anything resembling a reasonable speed, you'll be doing this for the whole game. This is not how you make a good game.

Next is length. This game is long. Long, long, long, long, long. And it has been praised for it. Chrono Trigger was 20 hours of fantastic, and now people bitch if the play time doesn't reach a minimum of 50 hours. But that's another rant. The problem is the length doesn't come from an abundance of content, it comes from artificial padding. While it does have multiple gameplay modes, you only get this after beating the game once, then another after beating it in one style, then another. This is further hurt by the experience not being good the first time. The gameplay modes "shake things up" by either making you focus on physical combat, magical combat, or using just sub-weapons. If I didn't like it the first time, then forcing me to play in a way that I don't want to isn't going to make me like it any more. This is not how you make a good game.

And more artificial extension comes in backtracking. Backtracking, backtracking, and more backtracking. Sometimes it's legitimately to get to a new area, but most of the time it's just to get more widgets. No "As long as I'm here, I'll get all the stuff here." or "As long as I'm here again, I'll get all the stuff that I can get now." No, you have to go back to areas to specifically to get some arbitrary powerup. This is not how you make a good game.

And speaking of all those widgets, most of them are hidden behind breakable walls. You will find most of these by luck, if at all. The problem is is that there are almost no visual clues as to where they lie. There is just a minuscule discrepancy in said walls, and I can't imagine ever being able to see it on the original GBA's dark as fuck screen. To find all of them you'll probably be swinging around at the walls or going up against them with an area of effect spell active trying to find the damn things, and that's not how you make a good game.

But none of those are my biggest gripes. My biggest gripe is, in fact, grinding. By adding in RPG elements in the form of stats and experience and completely fucking up in the process, you now have to kill enemies in the same area over and over again for hours before you can go on to the next area or every single normal enemy turns into a mini-boss. But the grinding is not just for levels. No, the enemies are also your main source of items, equipment, and the necessary items for your magic, cards. The only other place you're going to get stuff is candlesticks for hearts and subweapons, of course. The problem is that, like the breakable walls, there's absolutely no indication of which monsters hold what. And not only that, the probability of whether or not a monster will actually drop one of their items is wholly dependent on your stats, so even if you do figure out which monster drops what, you might not even get said item even if you grind said enemy for hours. Even then, when you do get magic cards, the game doesn't even tell you what they do until you activate them and stumble upon how they work. This can take forever to find out, and when you finally do, it's most likely worthless and you could have been using magic that was actually useful instead of wasting your time figuring out the others. All this is not how you make a good game.

Last complaint. In action-adventure games, the whole point is to find items that both help you in combat and to get around, otherwise you're just wasting your time. However. There is a boss in here that you have to defeat to get an item that you only use once to clean up some water. That's right, you fight a boss just to get a key. This is not how you make a good game.

All in all, Castlevania: CotM hits all the trappings of both bad RPGs and bad action-adventure games, so it fails double. Fuck this game.

Phantom Crash [XBOX]

If one thinks Mech games, usually one tends to think of systems other than the Xbox. But there is a less than unknown game called Phantom Crash which should satisfy gamers who love action and love mechs. The game takes place in neo-Tokyo where mech pilots build their own mechs and take them into three abandoned areas of the city to do battle. You can choose the type of your mech, what weapons it has, what kind of movement it has, etc. It's not as in-depth as Armored Core, but what Armored Core has in depth in customization, Phantom Crash makes up for it in frantic action. Battling takes place in one of three huge maps and goes on forever, or until you leave the area and return home. All three maps are large, and different contenders come in so you never run out of stuff to kill. Rank up, buy better mech parts, have fun, repeat. The story is atrocious though. Ignore that, and you've got yourself a great game.

Meteos [DS]

Who doesn't like Tetris? If you're one of the millions of people who could play Tetris for hours on end, Meteos will become like crack for you. The player chooses a "planet" and has different colored/shaped blocks fall from the sky. It's up to the player to arrange them in lines of three or more using the DS's stylus to then launch them into the sky at other planets. Insane combos can and will happen this way. There's nothing quite as satisfying as launching a screen-filling Meteos attack at your opponent and then watch them crumble. Great puzzle game for the DS, and is in desperate need of a sequel with Wi-Fi play.

Solomon's Club [GB]

A sequel to Solomon's Key. Use a wand to create and destroy blocks to get a key to each room while dispatching or avoiding enemies and collecting bells to rescue faeries. I've never played Solomon's Key, but I have played Fire 'n Ice (Solomon's Key 2), and this is a lot easier than that. Because of this, it's a lot more fun...but, to me at least, not much of a challenge. It's on okay time waster though. Nice and fun and simple.

Jet Set Radio Future [XBOX]

This is the sleeper hit of the original Xbox. A large, free-roaming city split up into several gigantic parts, multiple characters to unlock, a gigantic and eclectic soundtrack and some of the most addicting gameplay ever seen on a console, JSRF is a gem and should be enjoyed by every Xbox owner. Create your own graffiti sprays, tag the most insane futuristic version of Japan imaginable, and do it all to one of the best soundtracks on any videogame. There needs to be a sequel. Now.

Ninja Gaiden: Shadow [GB]

Just...eh. I don't know. If common knowledge is to believed, this is actually an edit of Shadow of the Ninja. I believe it, as this...really doesn't feel like a Ninja Gaiden game. I just couldn't get into it. I know I should give some credence to the fact that it's a Game Boy title, but there's only one subweapon...and it acts more like a bomb move since you can only collect a number of charges of it instead of amassing spiritual strength. I guess it warrants a

The Jetsons: Invasion of the Planet Pirates [SNES]

This Taito game has George in the Spacely Sprockets factory with a suction gun that lets him pick up blocks, enemies, and power-ups and attach to walls and ceilings. This could have been a really cool game, or at least a forgettably mediocre one, but there's just something I really, really don't like about it. It's just...I don't know. Hard to put into words. So I'll just say I plain don't like it.

Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo [GBA]

This is a pretty crappy port. The whole thing runs a bit slow. And it's flattened to fit the GBA screen. While the arcade game is fan-fucking-tastic, you should steer clear of this port at all costs. You will get no enjoyment out of this squished, sluggish travesty.

Elevator Action II [ARC]

This a great sequel. With three unique characters, new weapons, new enemies, bosses, and expanded levels, this is a great example of how to make a sequel. You can find it on Taito Legends 2. I think that the price of admission is worth this one game. Of course, there are other good games on it, but this one is fantastic by itself.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Gunbird [ARC]

I don't know what it is about H.Shooters that I hate and V.Shooters that I love, but this V.Shooter I love even more than usual. It's funny. It looks fantastic (but then again, so do most Psikyo games). It's funny. It controls fantastically. It's funny. Each character has their own shooting style instead of having to choose in-game, making all the characters more than just cosmetic and no longer having you worry about losing your progress by a mistiming. It's funny, especially if you have a partner so the characters interact (personally, I just set a player 2 and turn on the cheats to make them invincible and then forget them). It's got a bit of bullet hell to it, but eh. It's a good, fun game.



And that's the last of the classic reviews. From now on they'll all be fresh!

Game-A-Day: Classic - Demon's Crest [SNES]

This is a spin-off of the Ghost's 'n Goblins series staring a demon that's supposed to be, i dunno, the real devil, or something. He can hover using his wings, spit fire, hold onto walls, cast spells, and change his element with collected crests so he can do other stuff too. It's a bit open, like Mega Man X, with you able to choose where to go next and backtrack to stages to open new areas. It even has some mode 7 effects that are pretty cool. Would probably be even more impressive if I hadn't already seen it in Illusion of Gaia, among other games, though. It's real fun, and actually not as hard as the series it's branched off of. I really recommend it.

Game-A-Day: Classic - 007: Nightfire [GBA]

God, even more proof that EA is incapable of putting out a good portable game. Also more proof that FPS games shouldn't be on handhelds. Or at least not on something slightly more powerful than an SNES. It's slow. It's clunky. It's ugly. It sounds...okay, I guess. It's based on a franchise I hate. Fuck this game.

Darkwing Duck [NES]

This is one of those aforementioned "great Capcom licensed games" that I was talking about. This is like Mega Man dumbed down. Kinda. The challenge is toned down, but not too much. It looks really good. The music is some of the best I've heard. There's some strategy in which secondary weapons you pick up. The only thing I don't like is the overuse of bottomless pits. Those are annoying.

Bottom line: play it!

Game-A-Day: Classic - Twofer!

Irem Skins Game [SNES]

The title is a lie! It's not about skin, or about people showing skin, but is instead about...golf. And as far as golf games go I guess it's...alright. The swing meter goes super fast though. Hard to get it down.



Castlequest [NES]

A puzzler/platformer that features a short, stocky prince that jumps floatily and has a stubby little dirk. Not...not that great. I really couldn't get that far because of that stupid stiletto.

Texas Hold 'Em Poker [GBA]

Pffft. It's just the card game. And not that great. Not that bad, but not that great. A budget game for a budget price. Wholly forgettable. It doesn't really warrant its own blurb, but I played it, so I guess it gets one.

Game-A-Day: Classic - The Sims (various editions) [GBA]

Gott, EA can't put out a good portable game to save their lives. All of the portable Sims are awful. That's all I can say about them. Fuck these games.

Game-A-Day: Classic - No Rules: Get Phat [GBA]

Tch.

Ninja Five-O [GBA]

A platformer from Konami. Part Bionic Commando, part...something else. Swing around with a grappling hook, shoot terrorists, rescue hostages, fight bosses, and other platformer things. All with perfect control, great sound, and great graphics. This is a great game. If you find it, snatch it up immediately.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Lester the Unlikely [SNES]

Okay, I know that the main character is supposed to be nerdier than Urkel and that how he moves is supposed to reflect that, but the controls are either awkward, clumsy, convoluted, or any combination of the three and it's hard to fight through them. Not to mention puzzles range from obscure to simplistic, further detracting from everything.
Furthermore, I had a lot of problems with the sound cutting out. Fuck this game.

Garfield Labyrinth [GB]

Tch, I don't know. I don't like it. A puzzle game featuring Garfield (and then later reprogrammed to star Peter Venkman from The Real Ghostbusters). Break reappearing blocks, lay down bombs to destroy enemies, find keys, collect star things so you can exit the level, don't run out of time. Blah blah blah. I just...I just don't like it. It's lackluster. That's all I can really say about it. Fuck this game.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Binary Land [NES]

This is a great puzzle game from Hudson Soft. You have to guide two penguins who are in love to the end of a top-down maze filled with spiders and their webs. However, they're both separated by a wall down the middle, and when you move one the other mirrors the moves. You also have to get them at the goal at the same time, so no getting one then the other. They're both armed with bug spray to take care of the webs and spiders. If you run into one of the webs, your penguin gets stuck and has to be freed. If they both get stuck, you're fucked.

Wow, that's a rather ham fisted description. Oh well, no matter, as this is an awesome game. The only thing that I didn't like about it is that like almost all games of the age (this coming out back in '85), the music is a digitized version of a classical song and it repeats for the whole game. But what do you expect; they're programmers, not musicians.

Game-A-Day: Classic - Bonkers [SNES]

Capcom has made some damn good Disney games. Aladdin, Chip & Dale, Darkwing Duck. This game is not part of the club. It controls horribly, it sounds horrible, it looks...not so great.

...There's nothing else I can really say about it. It's just another bad licensed game. Pretty disappointing, especially when compared to the other said games.

Game a day: Classic - Ninja Wariors, Again [SNES]

This is one of the few beat-'em-ups that I really like. It has good controls, good graphics, good music, and has a nice challenge without being too hard. All in all good fun.
But there's not much else to say about it. Plus, if I look at it objectively, this is probably pretty average. Of the beat-em-ups that I've played, this is probably fifth on the list after (inpo) TMNT III and IV, Sailor Moon [ARC], and Final Fight.

Still, I never said that I would be objective, so this gets a

Lode Runner [NES]

Oh sweet Jesus. This is the worst fucking version of Lode Runner I've ever played. It doesn't show the entire level, and it only scrolls when you're about three blocks away from the side. This makes it very god damn easy to run into enemies. Everything good is negated by this. This...this is just horrible. Fuck you, Hudson Soft.